I signed up for a writing course that starts in September and already I’m feeling pressured and nervous with anticipation. It’s like my body is buzzing just underneath my skin, making me want to run and move continuously to the music in my head. It gives me a ton of extra energy, but if I run on that energy I will collapse into a heap and have to lie in bed for a week, I never know how long I can go before my battery runs out. It’s like I’m running at 100% and then suddenly I’m on empty.
“I can’t help it!” I want to yell.
I used to just go with it. I’d read a couple dozen books, run a few dozen miles, bake dozens of cookies and muffins, clean the house a dozen times, and pretend like I was just fine, thank you very much. Then I’d crash and hate myself for being so stupid, again.
You always do this.
Didn’t you see it coming?
You should have just sloooooowed down.
Can you tell a bee to slow down and enjoy the flowers? I tried today and the bee ignored me. My brain ignores me when I tell it to slow down too.
And so I sit here writing, trying to find about 70%. I’m trying to meditate when I start buzzing. But it’s really hard; I really want to ride the wave. I really want to get a ton of stuff done and feel useful. But that’s the trick of it all – getting stuff done does not increase my worth. If I continuously remind myself of that when I am buzzing with energy, then I can take a moment and smell the flowers.