I’m currently sitting outside eating red Jell-O and listening to the birds chirp in the neighbour’s tree. I watered the strawberries a few minutes ago and the garden is full of little weeds. The patio is covered in dirt from yesterday’s attempt to clean out the garbage bin. The kitchen is a bit wild – there is wrapping paper on the countertop along with stale bread that needs, well, something done with it, and an empty container of raspberries that is going to attract ants, and I need to take out the recycling. But those things are going to wait until my bum gets numb from sitting here or I get too hot in the sun. This morning it wasn’t so easy to let things go. I woke up with stress over losing my favourite jacket in my dream (at a Garth Brooks concert – how awesome). I went into the bathroom and wanted to clean it. Then I went into the kitchen and wanted to clean it. But instead I did some yoga and went for a run. For the next 40 minutes, this dance played out in my head while I ran:
When you get home, you need to clean the house
No, I’m going to have a snack and a shower
In a dirty bathroom? No. First, clean the bathroom.
If I clean the bathroom, I’m giving in to my anxiety and the need to reduce it through cleaning.
Are you though? Don’t you think it just needs to be cleaned?
Maybe. Shoot. Does it? How can I tell what’s reasonable?
Just clean it, then you can get on with your day.
You’re telling me it’s anxiety that’s making me want to clean it.
So clean the kitchen instead. Surely that’s reasonable. You don’t want ants, or mice. You’re going to get mice.
I don’t think I’ll get mice if I leave dirty dishes for a few hours.
Still, you know you’ll feel better if the house is clean
I will, and that’s exactly why I won’t be doing it. Suck it.
It got easier over the course of the day, although I did go out in order to not have to look at the mess. Even putting a few things away gave me a rush so I stopped. I left my bed unmade too but that’s not nearly as hard as it was a month ago. So I keep truckin’ 🙂