I don’t have my next session with my psychologist booked. At the end of our last session, he asked me to email him to book our next session but that was over three weeks ago and I haven’t heard from him. Our last session was the most difficult one for me in the eight months that I’ve seen him. I feel like he opened a can of worms and then threw me in them and left. I’m feeling very vulnerable and uneasy and anxious about it, and assumptions are constantly creeping into my head.
Maybe he’s bored with me
He’s moving to another province
He’s in a coma
He hates me
I hate me
And so it goes
I keep looking at my email but nothing, nothing, nothing. I hate that I feel like this. It shouldn’t matter. He’s not my husband or my child or my friend. I pay him to talk to me. But it does matter, and I have an icky feeling in my stomach every time I think about it, every time there’s no email, but I keep checking over and over again as if something will come. I stare into space, wondering. I hate it, or I hate me, maybe both.